the dreaded situation

i was busy with new work and was swamped with work, contracts and operational commitments at work. i thought that was not good but it got ok now that im 2 moons into the job and got a little hang of it. was stressed as the contracts' value are hundreds of thousands and one series is 1 million bucks. that is norm for shipyards and offshore but still, nobody to supervise me? just do it! luckily i've got two other colleagues who are smart in their own ways so three of us compliment each other and saved the day. a little error here and there but non serious enough to get us fired. haha.

the last 2 weeks was hell for me because my dad is dignoised with "C". i cant bring myself to even write the word or say the word because i still dont want to acknowledge. doctor told us that we are looking at prolonging his life and not curing. so please dont even have hope of a cure. because the tumor has grown so massive at his liver, there is no way to operate. will need chemo but doc is NOT CONFIDENT! not confident. we went for 2nd opinion, also said same thing. i cried when im not with my dad because i cant let him see my fear. i thought my dad is strong but now i think he might be too ignorant to know the condition. it is tough because the info of a limited lifespan just sank into him last night, though my sis & i digested it 2 weeks ago. we wanted to shield him from the info as we were afraid he might take it badly and become paranoid but i guess we couldnt keep him from the news as he went to a chinese physian yesterday and the physian told him he has 6 months left. though we think dad has 2-5 yrs if the chemo doesnt work. and 10 or more yrs if the chemo works. but whatever it is, the dreaded situation is that dad's liver will fail. it is so terrible to think about how it'll be if chemo doesnt work. i can say that im strong but when the time comes, i really dont know.

i know that our lives are designed by God and that all is in God's plan. but that doesnt mean that i dont hurt.

but i cant be grieving forever as the world doesnt stop for me or for anyone.

since learning about the disease, there are many well intentioned people telling me of miracle stories on how their loved ones lived/ lives much longer than what the doc determined. my next question was whether their doc was confident of the treatment. and the answer was yes. *sigh.

my parents are very slow to respond to the news because they are hopeful and gullible. they have so much belief and faith in miracles and they are optimistic. i think it is cruel to be optimistic about physically living when the physical body is breaking down. i hope they can come to terms that the spiritual body is going to leave it's physical home and return to God. it brings me a lot of pain to even write about this but i know that this pain is not new in this world. everyone who is fortunate to have a dad, a mom and loved ones has this pain. i wonder if i condition my mind saying that this seperation is temporary and that we will meet in heaven where it is even more blissful, i wonder if i am just kidding myself.